Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie