That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.