Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
You Might Also Like
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.