@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

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@MomOfTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

@Kyle_Lippert

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@truegritrumble

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

@bzamayo

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

@GamerPres2020

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

@VodkaThursday

What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.