She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site
But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
You Might Also Like
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“Can you hold scissors?”
“Welcome to SuperCuts”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
still my fav achewood