@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

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@SteveKoehler22

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

@Monicann86

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

@Rica_Bee

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@Tmoney68

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

@iamspacegirl

Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”