Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.