ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol