I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
student: can i go to the bathroom
teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?
Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.