Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Wise advice
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Carpe DM
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…