Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.


Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day


Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?


Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!


Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer


Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.