Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰