@rebrafsim

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

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@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@ShittyComedian

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

@MsSweetTeaz

Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day

@aveuaskew

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.