ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth