ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

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America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets


I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.


A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.


[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth


Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry


If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.


Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*



i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date


[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant