Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.