ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

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[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!


[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*


Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.


I believe in a woman’s right to choose, except when it comes to picking what movie we should watch tonight.


Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.