Officer: You get one phone call…
*hangs up a few minutes later.
Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.