@RCKruseKontrol

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@MKupperman

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@TheBlessMess

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

@juliussharpe

I believe in a woman’s right to choose, except when it comes to picking what movie we should watch tonight.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.