@RCKruseKontrol

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

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@cbdoubleu

[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@Home_Halfway

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

@imdaintyaf

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”

@AnkCoupleTO

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@Social_Mime

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.