[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.