“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.