@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

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@HomeWithPeanut

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@WetzelGeek

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

@secondhand_cake

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

@lizzzzzielogan

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

@bourgeoisalien

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

@jaelteon

interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?

me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group