Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
President The Rock Obama
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.