Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.