Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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went fishing caught a bass
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
This classic never gets old . . .
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️