Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”

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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.


I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys


Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out


I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.


What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain


Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem


Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.


*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*



*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer