me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
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Me if I was a dog
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Risking my life for fun.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times