@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

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@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@VolatileVani

There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@bricheeseyy

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

@50FirstTates

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

@stevevsninjas

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

@trevso_electric

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@oigoabuya

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.