@DrakeGatsby

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

You Might Also Like

@psybermonkey

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”

@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

@JessObsess

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

@ElizaBayne

There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@heyitsJudeD

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..