The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
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People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”
It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.
Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..