Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*aliens land on Thanksgiving*
*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
Me: How was your first day of school?
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?