Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Body by Oreos
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry