me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*