@suecorvette

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

You Might Also Like

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@sonictyrant

[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear

@VirgoSherry

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.

@breatheandlove

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

@stevevsninjas

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

@ElgatoEsmio

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS