me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.


Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.


Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*

Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.


Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.


ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on


Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.


Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?


Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?