If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”
ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*