My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*
Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
X-tra spooky blend
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?