Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.