ME: I fell in the shower.
HIM: Send pics

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Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together


I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.


i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat


One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.


I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger


How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.


ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–

ME: nope 67


If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.


When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.