@Jay_FrickinLynn

ME: I fell in the shower.
HIM: Send pics

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

@chrissyteigen

i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat

@Carter_TCB

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

@MikeCanRant

I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–

ME: nope 67

@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.