Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
WHY?!
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new