Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.