ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The days of good grammer has went
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.