@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: I find pregnant women attractive.

She: But I’m not pregnant.

Me: Gimme a few minutes.

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@TheNardvark

Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.

@SteveInevitable

If a girl texts you and asks if you think she’s fat and you try to respond “Nooo” autocorrect changes it to “Moo” so that’s pretty cool.

@BunAndLeggings

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@shamans_heal

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

@berikerimeri

Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?

@drinksmcgee

I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.