Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
Me: I find pregnant women attractive.
She: But I’m not pregnant.
Me: Gimme a few minutes.
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If a girl texts you and asks if you think she’s fat and you try to respond “Nooo” autocorrect changes it to “Moo” so that’s pretty cool.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Karma: Do you believe in me?
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?
I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.
In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.