Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
You Might Also Like
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Here’s a meme
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Oh yeah that’s it
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.