me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My birth announcement for our third baby
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“Wait, let me explain..”