@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

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@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@dorsalstream

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

@shopkins776

How many cupcakes do you guys usually take with you for your 30 minute gym workout

@teir3s

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

@EndhooS

[See’s a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why’s that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?

@davidkenny100

When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example

@BGH70

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

@Marlebean

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

@Coastiefish

I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.

@bonehugsnirony

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me