me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

You Might Also Like


name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture


As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.


How many cupcakes do you guys usually take with you for your 30 minute gym workout


can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”


[See’s a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why’s that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?


When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.


I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.


[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me