ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety