@rickolantern

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

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@Brampersandon_

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@LuvPug

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

@rolldiggity

New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.

@TheWeirdWorld

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

@JasonLastname

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

@swiftenhaal

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

@topshuur

Why on earth would u say “half a dozen” when u can literally say “six”

@astutenewf

Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?