Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

☠️

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.