ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
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To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Breaking news:
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Bike for sale
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.