me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.


This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.


My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.


Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.


Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available


Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.

Both their phones must’ve been stolen.


Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14


School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?


I am taking care of my procrastination issues….. just you wait and see!


ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not