me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-