Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance