@LindaInDisguise

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

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@yaboyblue357

Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”

Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”

@ka_waltz

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

@TheAlexNevil

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

@Contwixt

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

@rachelle_mandik

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

@prufrockluvsong

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT