Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”
Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT