Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
You Might Also Like
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
i dont have time for this
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.