@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

You Might Also Like

@TheCatWhisprer

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.

Cw..

Me: I told everyone.

@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

@Shingaboop

Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.

@ThePoke

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

@dad_chips

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine