ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: You can just keep that pen.
Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.
Me: I told everyone.
(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond
Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine