me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“HELP WITH CAT”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.