@ElliotHetherton

Me: I got mugged today

Friend: you should tell the police

[later]

Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you

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@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

@JesKeepSwimming

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

@realHamOnWry

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’

@StupiDucker

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

@meganamram

Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!