Me: I got mugged today

Friend: you should tell the police


Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you

You Might Also Like


ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.


Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..


me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip


Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.


I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’


You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.


Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body


[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?


“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon


Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!