ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Me: I got mugged today
Friend: you should tell the police
Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!