Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ChickenMclovin

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

@gingerfaced

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

@ddsmidt

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

@SkinnerSteven

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

@JimGaffigan

GOALS FOR MORNING:
Run
Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Workout
Write
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

SO FAR:
Wrote this
About to nap

@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

@Parkerlawyer

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist