I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
GOALS FOR MORNING:
Hang w/ kids
Respond to emails
About to nap
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-