@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

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@ddsmidt

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

@JimGaffigan

GOALS FOR MORNING:
Run
Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Workout
Write
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

SO FAR:
Wrote this
About to nap

@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

@Parkerlawyer

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist