ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months