@KalvinMacleod

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

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@rsynder336x2

I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife
“you said you wanted the biggest one right”
Because I’m a great husband

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@KeetPotato

[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
not really

@Ophoenix1

I’ve been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.

@ShellHasDragons

I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.

@matt_simpson84

Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

@notthenanny

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.