Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.