My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand