ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me