Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
even bears disappoint their mothers
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
LOL
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Krampus.