Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.