Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
dutch so unserious
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.