Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

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What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?


If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.


[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no


i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing


[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus


Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!


ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet


Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain


35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.


The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.