@thegreatnanak

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

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@MikeCanRant

What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@roxiqt

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

@itsa_talia

i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

@LeonInNewJersey

Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain

@undeadmolly

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

@mzeld

The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.