Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning