All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-
Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!
– RL partying sounds so violent
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.