I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
lmao
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”