@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

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@BrassBallsCJ

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@_Mo_lee_

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@icrushedmyhalo

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@CaniacMONK

I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.

@coolauntV

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@danjan13

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

@UhhhJasonWebb

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.