[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers
[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face
‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he’s still in better shape than I am.
Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-