me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

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[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers

[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb


Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.


Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face


‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.


*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he’s still in better shape than I am.


Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.


People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.


Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!