Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
You Might Also Like
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”