@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

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@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@BunAndLeggings

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

@ericsshadow

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

@GVNGMiami

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@Henry_3k

I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”