Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
technically true but not a great slogan
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.