Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Early bird gets the worm
2nd mouse gets the cheese
3rd cow gets the grass
All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim