Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Lmao 🤣
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.