@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

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@SteveSuckington

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

@callmeEvian

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@RoosterMustache

Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.

@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@pleatedjeans

[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine