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REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?